tattymule

the prospect of gouty being an uncle makes swiney talk about uncle buck which makes poo get excited about giant pancakes which makes her drive faster in her automobile which makes her get a speeding fine which makes her very very mad.

today i saw a cute little middle aged man chasing his straw hat down the street, while his nessie friend stood and laughed. it reminded me of ron because he has a straw hat.

foolishness is totes bang, it is even better than the shamwow.

i ran out of cleanser for like, 3 days, and now my face looks like an old man's foot.

also...i can't stop doing crossword puzzles. crosswords are the new word challenge.

so anyways, xtina now wants nothing to do with me. her new favourite tenant is...wait for it...GOUTY!

i know, my head is just reeling. who in their right mind would prefer gouty over me? apparently she spent a great portion of a phone conversation with gouty telling him how rude i am and how i left her feeling confused and upset. what what what what? i was the one left feeling upset. upset that i didn't sass the bitch more.

in the last 24 hours all i have done pretty much is eat, sleep, play word challenge and farmville, and watch 15 episodes of law and order SVU in a row. i think i would make a really good detective. and i would especially make an excellent detective if my primary role was creating anagrams, which they did in one of the eps i watched.

well i am officially living back with bankie and duck as of this week and let me tell you; ducky could not be happier! glee just oozes out of her pores every time i come within a 3m radius of her. this is very bad for my health because i am highly allergic to glee, it causes me to become bitter and lash out at people.

speaking of people, today i had a fight over the phone with our soon to be ex-landlady xtina. after hanging up on her, she rang me again and told me i was being rude. then i called her ridiculous and threatened her with legal action over our lease which caused her to pull the old trick of "i can't understand english very well" to which i replied "clearly". then later when she was talking i had to stop her and was all like "i'm sorry, now you're the one who needs to repeat herself. I don't understand what you're saying because of your thick asian accent". next time i talk to her i'm gonna say it again, but then be like "oh. i thought i couldn't understand you cos of your accent but it turns out it's because you're talking rubbish".

i miss rupinder.

i was megs tired for prac today cos i was up late last night drawing this masterpiece:



chris from masterchef deserves to die.

btw, this saturday is the one year anniversary of the BEEF incident at mcdonald's. i am going to celebrate by going there and performing a re-enactment.

Quiz:

What do you do if you happen to find yourself in the most unfortunate position of being locked in the bathroom when nobody else is home (nor going to be for at least the next 5 hours) and you need to start studying for an exam the next day?

a) scream and cry like a little bitch

b) consider killing yourself

or

c) smash a hole through the door


Answer: d) ALL OF THE ABOVE

yesterday i tried to resurrect my sweet valley high reading, but it is already making me so frustrated and i am only two pages into my first book. elizabeth is such a self-righteous bitch - if i ever met her in real-life i would smash her in the cooch. and i hate how everybody is just so flippant about jessica's self-entitlement issues. cereal; being a sociopathic cocktease is not cute, even if you are a classic californian beauty with a sun-kissed tan and a perfect size 6 figure. i would be surprised that jessica has never been raped if not for the fact that no men in sweet valley actually have penises. i'm no psychiatrist of course, but i'm pretty sure jessica suffers from antisocial personality disorder for which she needs serious help. yet, everyone in sweet valley just laughs off her behaviour with comments like "oh, that's the jess we know and love". the things about sweet valley which i used to laugh at and love now make me want to gouge out my eyes and feed them to gouty. i can't believe how many sweet valley books i ploughed through last summer - i must have lost about half my brain cells being exposed to that much toxicity.

well anyways, i have also been resurrecting my feet picking habits lately. i went through a good six months or so without feeling the urge but it is now back, and boy, is it with a vengeance or what?! i have taken quite a liking to picking my heels and then storing the dead skin in my pyjama pockets. today i pulled a lighter from my pocket and found a long strand of hard, dead skin embedded in the little hole where the flame comes out. i love when dead skin becomes really hard - it is almost as awesome as when bleeding mosquito bites form little balls of blood which, if left for a few minutes; form a skin. yeah...little blood balls are totes bang.

also..did you know that vitamin c combined with parsley can be used as a method of home abortion? good little tip there, although i personally prefer a coathanger up the fanny.

He steals candy from vending machines.
He has gonorrhoea.
He hangs at the ravine with a keg of beer and horny honeys.
He got a high distinction in Pain 101.
He was expelled from school.
He enjoys tasty hot dogs and cool refreshing beverages.
He uses the word 'poindexter' as an insult.
He throws his baseball cap at cameras in a sexy manner.
His motto is "If Jay can't be happy, then no-one can be happy"

He has been responsible for the following:
- encouraging Sean to steal Snake's laptop.
- playing a prank on Rick then saying it was Jimmy which resulted in Rick bringing a gun to school and shooting Jimmy in the back.
- gonorrhoea outbreak throughout the school.
- encouraging JT to sell drugs which resulted in JT's suicide attempt.
- his ex-girlfriend turning lesbian.
- encouraging Sean to drag race Peter which resulted in Sean hitting a jogger and then encouraging Sean to flee the scene which resulted in him going to jail.

here are some insults which have been thrown my way recently:

- gouty told me that i was dressed like a hooker.

- frilly told me that when i picked her drank ass up from a party once all the wannabe MILFs there thought i was her mother.

- i got asked if i was a lesbian (which isn't actually an insult, but the intent behind the dickheads asking the question was to insult and annoy)

- some bogans on the back of a bus commented with bewilderment that they'd never seen an asian with blonde hair. (probs cos they don't get out of gosnells much)

- swiney and i got asked at mcdonald's drive thru if we were trannys, and that i sound like i've got a penis.

- swiney and i got told by same tranny commenting men that we were two of the ugliest chicks they had ever seen and we make them want to turn gay.

it's so great to be me, my self-esteem is just through the roof right now!

if you'll excuse me, i am now going to peanut gallery gouty in order to make myself feel better about the fact that i am an old ugly asian lesbian hooker tranny with blonde hair.

here are some things that really make me cream my jeans -

1. races against time - especially when that race involves a boy driving to where the girl he loves is leaving to go away on a boat, train, bus, plane, tram etc and he needs to declare his love for her.

2. bad boys with hearts of gold - their heart needs to be pretty well concealed by all the badness, only revealing itself in glimpses at times when it matters the most.

3. when really tough, manly men break down and cry.

4. lesbians named alex.

5. dance offs.

6. backhanded compliments.

7. when people get mono.

8. gonorrhoea outbreaks.

kewl.

JT Yorke, you are my new hero.
All because you asked the question, "Is it too much to ask for silence in the Peanut Gallery?"
Yeah boi you're totes bang!

Anyways, I must be off. I'm heading down to the ravine to contract gonorrhoea from this well bad boy.


Don't wait up for me Swiney!

what a sexnut!



oh craig manning you are such a dreamboat. way better than that snake was when he was your age.

is it wrong to lust after a 14 year old boy?

went to doctor today about my stroke face. i have bells palsy. i have to tape my eye up when i sleep. i also have to take steroids and an anti viral drug that is only subsidized when you have a moderate to severe case of genital herpes.

it is times like this i wish i had genital herpes.

here is my lopsided strokeridden face.





i had to teach kids with this face today. eek!

today i woke up with a stiff neck. it took me 10 minutes to roll out of bed. then this afternoon i realised that the left side of my face is completely fucked. my mouth is hells droopy and i keep drooling out of the left corner of my mouth and my speech is slightly slurred. and my left eyelid has folded in on itself and my eye is megs bloodshot and keeps weeping.

i think i have had a stroke.

I am currently sitting at my desk at work feeling megs uncomf because I ate a whole pot of curry on Sunday and now I can’t do up the top button on my jacket because I am such a nessie. Plus I have been chewing copious amounts of gum all day so I really really need to do a pop off.

I am also cereally hating life right now. Yesterday my mum informed me (because she enjoys opening my mail) that I got charged a $50 overdrawn fee from Bankwest because my phone bill was direct debited when I had no monies in my account. Hey Bankwest Sun – I thought your motto was “it pays to be generous” What what what what? That is not what I call being genny lame-o.

And even though I got paid yesterday I still only have $150 in my account for the next 2 weeks because I am a slacknut.

So here is what I need to spend that $150 on:

* Rent, which is significantly more than $150 so as you can see, I am already in a wee spot of bother.
* Uni parking permit.
* Overdue parking fine.
* Entertainment, as my beloved Peeki is returning home next week from Sydney to surprise our mother (aka Ducky) on her birthday, so Peeks and I simply must paint the town red to celebrate our reunion.
* Ultimate Double Whopper Meal as this is the method by which Peeki and I bond – gorging ourselves on Hungry Jack’s and then beaching ourselves in front of the tv.
* Monster Burger Deal. Desperado to try and Peekilicious is simply the only one I want to lose my MB plates with.
* Tobacco. A 50g pouch of Drum menthol used to last me around 2 weeks at least but I plowed through the last one I bought in 5 days because I am a chimney sweep.
* Smart and professional clothing. I start prac next week and have absolutely NOTHING to wear because I simply am not a smart and/or professional person. I’m P-Poo Wong bitch. The P stands for ‘playful’ and that’s how I dress. Either playfully or sloppily. Mostly sloppily. I was born to slop you see. I stole that quote from Seiny Swiney!
* Groceries. Whatevs.
* Oh yeah. And Duck’s beeday pres.

My life can cereally just fuck itself off right now.

Maybe I can do a Gunit, throw a cap on the ground and dance for some extra money. I hear on the grapevine that’s how he funded ‘Legacy’.

Or praps I could finally come good on all those threats I’ve made to Ducky in the past and actually realise my dream of becoming a prozzy. Except I don’t think anyone on the streets would actually buy my body. If I could sell it by the pound I’d be a fucking millionaire.
If there are any takers, please email me at outtacontrolcakeeater@hotmail.com. You will be guaranteed a bed breaking good time and I will only charge you a 50g pouch of Drum Menthol. Hell bargs!!

Here is a photo of me to turn on all you prospective Johns.

oh yeah.

in manjimup one of the two bakeries there does steak and mushroom pies, but the mushrooms they use are SHITAKE!!!

these pies are the shit - the absolute shit. i cannot emphasise enough how dope these pies are. they are proper lish. they are totes bangin. totes awes and hells barg! yeah...precise.

i am well pissed that all the times i went to manji last year i was wasting both my money and taste buds on non shitake pies from the lame-o non shitake bakery. i must of had at least 4 pies from that crap factory on 4 separate occasions when i could have bought myself a one way ticket to flavour country via shitake town.

manji non shitake bakery is wack. almost as wack as the bridgetown bakery where my archnemesis works. sure, she may seem like a slightly slow, country bumpkin harmless middle aged woman but underneath that facade is pure evil.

i really want to just travel to every country town in wa and review their bakeries. like a lonely planet for pie connoisseurs. that would be the dopeness.

Well...cunt town op ad was 100% dream come true success!

Snaps to P-Poo, Swiney and Frilly on a job well done. The trip got off to a roaring start, when I had a sit off in pet stay with a Nessie who was pissed off because i was blocking her path, like the Desdemona that I am. I was waiting to take her spot. Have you never heard of reverse Nessie?????? Then her backseat passenger glared at me when they drove past. Then an Asian man in a Gouty car stole my spot so I swore at him and beeped my horn until he scurried away.

Op shop between Mandurah and The Pinj was 100% success and that is where we procured P-Two!!! He is Peter's long lost twin brother and for only 50c we were able to reunite them!

Pinjarra op shop = lame-o.
Harvey had lots of tatty stuff but not much fit well.
Donnybrook = wk
Bridgetown was closed.
Manjimup = 100% dream come true at very reasonable prices.
Bunbury = wk

On way home I made several enemies on the road, mostly because of my reckless driving. they dont call me bad boy for nothing.

when we returned home Gouty was sitting at home waiting for our return with heart shaped cupcakes and his face all swollen because he had been crying so much from missing us. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.